Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
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