if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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