get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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