I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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