i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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