Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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