So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Randomize
