I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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