Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
