i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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