My liver just broke up with me...
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
