So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
