I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
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