Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Randomize
