Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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