I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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