i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
