i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i will never coherently bang her
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Randomize
