My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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