I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
