I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
