I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Randomize
