I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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