Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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