The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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