Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
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