You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
