If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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