if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
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