dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
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Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
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You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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