If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
