i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
