In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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