I didn't shave. On purpose
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
