Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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