Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Randomize
