Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(858): View more from California

You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.

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(815): View more from Illinois

So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.

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Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Read it at the TFLN blog
(916): View more from California

I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge

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(734): View more from Michigan

When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING

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(970): View more from Colorado

She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon

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(727): View more from Florida

My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.

(851): View more from

You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.

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