You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
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He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.