my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.