If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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