totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
FUCK WHALES
Randomize
