you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
