I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
only you would photoshop your dick
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
