Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
