I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Someone stole a lamp last night.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
