I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
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she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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