you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
