Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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