Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
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