Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
