so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
