Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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