I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
