My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
