Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
