I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
