i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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