last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
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I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
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Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.